


“Anyone who says that David sinned with Bathsheba is nothing other than mistaken”

by Teakay



Category: Sefer Shmuel | Book of Samuel, The Bible, תלמוד | Talmud
Genre: F/M, General Irreverence, Script Format, Sexual Coercion, Spitefic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:15:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29167071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teakay/pseuds/Teakay
Summary: Everything could have been resolved much more tidily if the totally righteous King David, who absolutely didn't sin, had simply engaged in some more direct communication strategies.
Kudos: 3





	“Anyone who says that David sinned with Bathsheba is nothing other than mistaken”

**King David:** Uriah, my faithful servant. What’s the latest news from the front?

 **Uriah the Hittite:** Well, there’s this and that and all of this here, sir.

 **David:** Splendid, splendid! Tell Joab to keep up the good work. Now why don’t you go kick up your feet and have some fun with the lady at home?

 **Uriah:** Sir, I don’t think it’s exactly ethical for me to enjoy the comforts of home while the men are out at Rabbah living rough, so if it’s all the same to you I’d rather crash at the palace.

 **David:** Tch, tch. Uriah, did I just hear you disobeying a royal command?

 **Uriah:** I, um, is that a joke, sir? I’m not sure why you’re taking such an interest in my personal life, sir.

 **David:** It’s a pity it had to come to this, but… Uriah, you know the lovely lady that’s currently living in your house? Bathsheba daughter of Eliam, I believe?

 **Uriah:** My wife, sir? What about her?

 **David:** Oh no, don’t you remember? Didn’t you divorce her before you left for the front, just like the rest of the soldiers?

 **Uriah:** Yes, it’s the standard bureaucratic formality so she’s not left in limbo if I go MIA. But there’s that certain unspoken understanding, sir, that we’ll immediately get un-divorced once I get back and out of mortal danger, so in the meantime she’s still carrying on as if -

 **David:** I knocked her up.

 **Uriah:** What.

 **David:** I put a bun in Bathsheba’s oven.

 **Uriah:** What.

 **David:** I happened to see her on the roof the other day and she was smoking hot so I had her delivered.

 **Uriah:** Sir, are you saying that while I was at the front you had sex with my wife?

 **David:** She isn’t your wife, Uriah my dear chap, do keep up. As a divorced woman it’s perfectly okay for me to fuck her.

 **Uriah:** What.

 **David:** I have no obligation to conform to silly “unspoken understandings” or “societal conventions.”

 **Uriah:** …

 **David:** But I do understand that a lady on her own producing a child after her ex-husband has been away for months might excite… undue comment.

 **Uriah:** …

 **David:** The common folk with their tiny, unenlightened brains might take it for evidence of something silly like adultery.

 **Uriah:** …

 **David:** Which of course would be in grave error, seeing as I’m God’s Anointed and righteous in all I do.

 **Uriah:** …

 **David:** Now go home and fuck your not-wife before I have you tried for treason.

**Author's Note:**

> _Rabbi Shmuel bar Naḥmani said that Rabbi Yonatan said: Anyone who says that David sinned with Bathsheba is nothing other than mistaken, as it is stated: “And David succeeded in all his ways; and the Lord was with him” (I Samuel 18:14). Is it possible that sin came to his hand and nevertheless the Divine Presence was with him?_
> 
> _However, how then do I establish the meaning of the rebuke of the prophet Nathan: “Why have you despised the word of the Lord, to do that which is evil in My sight? Uriah the Hittite you have smitten with the sword, and his wife you have taken to be your wife, and him you have slain with the sword of the children of Ammon” (II Samuel 12:9), indicating that David sinned? The Gemara answers: David sought to do evil and have relations with Bathsheba while she was still married to Uriah but did not do so. [...]_
> 
> _That which is written: “Uriah the Hittite you have smitten with the sword,” means that you could have judged him before the Sanhedrin as one guilty of treason against the throne, and you did not judge him in that manner. Instead, you had him executed in a manner that deviated from the generally accepted principles of judgment. With regard to that which is written: “And his wife you have taken to be your wife”; it means that you have rights of marriage with her, as by law Bathsheba was already divorced from Uriah._
> 
> _As Rabbi Shmuel bar Naḥmani said that Rabbi Yonatan said: Anyone who goes to a war waged by the royal house of David writes a conditional bill of divorce to his wife. That was done to prevent a situation in which the soldier’s wife would be unable to remarry because the soldier did not return from battle and there were no witnesses to his fate. The conditional bill of divorce accorded her the status of a divorcee and freed her to remarry. As it is stated: “And carry these ten cheeses to the captain of their thousand, and to your brothers bring greetings and take their pledge [arubatam]” (I Samuel 17:18)._
> 
> _What is the meaning of arubatam? Rav Yosef taught: It refers to matters that are shared [hame’oravim] between him, the husband, and her, the wife, i.e., marriage. The verse should be read: Take the bill of divorce that determines the status of the relationship between husband and wife. As, apparently, it was customary for men at war to send their wives a conditional divorce, since Uriah later died, Bathsheba retroactively assumed divorced status from the time that he set out to war. She was not forbidden to David._
> 
> _With regard to that which is written: “And him you have slain with the sword of the children of Ammon,” it means: Just as you are not punished for soldiers killed by the sword of the children of Ammon in the course of the war, so too you are not punished for the death of Uriah the Hittite._
> 
> _What is the reason that David was not liable for the death of Uriah? Because Uriah was a traitor against the throne. As he said to David: “And my lord Joab and the servants of my lord are encamped in the open fields” (II Samuel 11:11). In the presence of the king, one may not refer to another as his lord. Doing so is treason._
> 
> (Shabbat 56a)


End file.
